Dearly Departed

Mob movies are the creepy old guy driving around my school in the child abductor van asking me if I want some candy to get inside. I can't say no.

The movie could star a pair of chimps, and I'd watch. They could use bananas as guns, and I'd watch. They could knock off a baboon for flinging poo at Bonzo, a "made" monkey who is part of the Project X crime family, and I'd make Wife or Chris or some other unlucky chump join me at the theater to watch it.

That's how I roll.

For every Goodfellas there's a Mobsters. For every Godfather there's a Whole Nine Yards. All I ask is that the movie tells a good story and keeps me entertained.

I'll also profess now my man crush for Martin Scorcese. The dude is a bonafide genius. Steven Spielberg couldn't wash Scorcese's sack. I haven't seen every move he's made - I'm not sure about Age of Innocence or Kundun, Marty, I don't think those are my cup o' tea - but I've seen the ones that matter. Goodfellas tops my list as the best movie I've seen. Raging Bull ranks in my top five, and The Aviator cracks my top 10.

For those who are curious, my Top 5 are: Goodfellas, Godfather trilogy (1, 2 and 3), Raging Bull, Carlito's Way and just yesterday I added The Departed. If you're scoring at home, four out of the five are mob related, and four out of the five star either Bobby DeNiro (me and him are tight, that's why he lets me call him Bobby) or Al Pacino. After watching The Departed, there's a surprise contender creeping on to my favorite actors list - God help me for the shit I'll take for this confession - one Leonardo DiCaprio. Dude can act, plain and simple. Don't believe me? Forget about everything he starred in before the The Beach and Titanic (I ain't linking these movies, I'm afraid this post is beginning to look like a Wikipedia page). He's what Bobby DeNiro is to the Baby Boomers, our generation's icon. It would have been River Phoenix but someone forgot to tell him that mixing drugs and alcohol are a bad idea.

The Departed follows the story of two cops, one who feeds the mob - led by Jack Nicholson, how much better can you get? - and another who is in tight with Jack's crew. The tension seeps from the screen and pulls you to the edge of your seat. And it's Marty at his best, or at least his best since Goodfellas (there's no way he could top that, though). William Monahan's script is funny and clipped, capturing the Boston feel with each line. And if that's not enough, Mark Wahlberg's character will seal the deal.

Can you tell I love this movie?

It's violent, bloody and long, although it didn't seem like 2 hours and 50 minutes went by. In fact, I told Chris, who joined me, that I could have watched another hour or two, it was so engaging. I'm not sure what that extra two hours would tell, but I'd watch nonetheless. He could have had two chimps humping a beach ball and I would have watched.

I don't pretend to be a movie critic, I'll leave to those two schmucks in the balcony, I just know what I like and feel the need to share it. This isn't just a movie, it's cinema, it's art.

So, scrub up Spielberg, let's see you make art.