Schot(tenheimer) in the dark

I thought about this long and hard - approximately three minutes - and found my job lacks pizazz. This realization came after sitting in my favorite room at the prison work camp - the men's room; stall number one is perfect for deep thoughts (and belting out building-rattling grunts).

A copy editor can only read so many letters complaining about train whistles (yeah, as in the train driver blasts the tweeter so the alzheimer patient blocking the train crossing in their Lincoln Continental can maybe remember to move their wrinkled ass before they end up as cottage cheese), President Bush (he's either the second coming of Jesus Christ or the Devil with a Texas drawl) and illegal immigration (unless the immigrants are going to glean they're orange trees or blow three-foot layer of Arizona dust from their sidewalks the blue hairs don't want 'em around) before said copy editor feels he or she would be better suited scraping up pig shit with a soup spoon for ten hours a day than reading the prescription-drug addled ramblings of our local seniors.

The truth is any monkey can do my job: choose an editorial that espouses the newspaper's libertarian philosophy (Marijuana is good, taxes suck ass), select some letters to the editor that mistate facts and labels other letter writers as pinheads and nincompoops, and finally find a cartoon that pisses off the community. See, job done. Thank you for subscribing to Old Folks Journal where each new subscriber is given a free colostomy bag.

And this was all brought on by the San Diego Chargers - my Chargers, lord I'm proud - which canned their head coach more than a month after their season ended. I've watched the Chargers since 1981, so I know the organization better than I know my own hairy ass. Wife always says I make insightful comments between expletives when watching or listening to their games. Head coach material is virtually stenciled on my nose.

Then, there is this. I've been a fantasy football, baseball, hockey, basketball (both college and NBA) NASCAR and hockey owner/GM since 1998. I've won two titles (former Charger coach Marty Schottenheimer can't say that) - NBA and NHL - a host of second place finishes in baseball and half dozen playoff appearances in football. I'm a proven winner. I turn programs around with the talent given.

I'm dusty of the resume as I type. I'll revamp the objective, changing it from saying "Seeking a low paying position reading letters to the editor written by seniors who can't remember their names, but know enough to send an e-mail decrying the fall of civilization because their senior center discontinued serving tapioca pudding with their split pea soup," to "Seeking high paying position in the National Football League to land better seats for games and extra tailgating slots for my Charger friends." In work experience, I'll mention my one day of practice with the University of Nevada Las Vegas football team - they went 1-10 the year I practiced with them, they could have better utilized my talents during game day - which shows I'm a "players' coach" who is willing to get dirty with them in the trenches. And I play injured too, as witnessed by fellow prison work camp mates a few weekends ago, when I played a game nearly one legged the entire day, throwing a pair of touchdowns, catching one, and intercepting a sure TD.

As far as working with the a-hole Charger general manager, AJ Smith, he'll know I'm not planning to interview my brother for the defensive coordinator position. In fact, he'll be pleased to learn I don't have a brother to interview - a sister, but she doesn't know a football from a bowling pin - so right there I'm a step ahead of the other candidates. AJ may as well send Norv Turner a "Thanks, but no thanks" card, ship Ron Rivera back to Chicago, tell the Super Bowl 41 honk there's no reason to wave his new ring inside the Charger facility, the Bolts have their man. If it makes him happy, I'll hire Jim Mora Jr. as my offensive coordinator. He can ease my transition into the NFL coaching ranks.

Describe my style of coaching? I'm a delegator. Why take all the responsibility on myself? That's what coordinators, assistants and players are for. I'm there to look pissed off (most of the time it comes across as needing to let loose a good growler in the bathroom) when the camera pans my mug on the sideline, while the rest of the time I pace the bench with a headset on (maybe I can get them to play REM in the ear phones) waiting for the linemen to dump a cold bucket of gatorade on my head. That's what a head coach does.

The Chargers really can't go wrong by hiring me. I'm relatively cheap, which should cover my lack of real NFL coaching experience. Then again, that never stopped San Diego before. Yes, I'm looking at you Mike Riley.