Sleazy teazy

It took me a while to break from my mold of poop jokes, sex jokes and stink jokes to break a new idea out on this site. So today is the birth of Sleazy Teazys, the Net's fastest growing sensation. Tired of looking at midget porn (I don't know if that's possible)? Don't feel like watching reruns of "Dharma & Greg?" Then head over here Friday afternoons for Sleazy Teazys. You won't be
disappointed (and if you are, well then go play tiddly-winks with your ma).

For those sticking around, here's how it works: Each week I'll find a puzzle on the Net (thank you www.brainbashers.com), paste it here, and tweak it a bit. I'll post the answer on Monday (or Tuesday if me and the little lady are busy gettin' busy). Without further wackadoo, in the spirit of this weekend's holiday (it's kind of a Christ's birthday celebration in reverse) here ya go...

Santa waddles his fat ass around his slave labor camp (hundreds of elves forced to build cheap toys without time off - sounds like a winter sweat shop to me) getting ready for the holiday that celebrates over-indulgence. St. Nick, with a pint of nog already in his bowl full of jelly (it was more brandy than nog, but don't tell his ol' lady) sorts through presents, fills sacks (that means something different when the missus is around) and works out his route to make sure he stops in the cities with his sluts (Santa likes the naughty ones, despite what that song says). Oh, he also plans his path to deliver all that crap to those greedy punks across the world, making sure he gets there in time for when they wake up, hungover, Christmas morning. The trouble is, every year just before Christmas, the reindeers have nothing to do but hump each other raw. They ask that lazy slob in the red jump suit if there is anything they can do to help but the head elf (Santa's own little toy, if you know what I mean) tells them there ain't nothing to do until Santa gets off Ms. Claus in the back of the
sleigh.

This year, Santa is prepared for the slack-ass, humpin' deers (especially Rudolph with that friggin' stripper light for a nose - he's the biggest ho hound of the bunch) and he's set them a little challenge to help keep them busy. He's given them the following problem: Five children from five different families living in five different counties of England have asked for a different gift each. From the clues, the reindeers have to work out who's who, where each child lives and what present each has asked for. The first reindeer to solve the problem gets an extra portion of Christmas pudding (don't ask Santa how he makes it, that's his own special secret) on Christmas Day!

1. Neither Cliffy, nor Jennifer Feather (that's her stage name, and does not live in Yorkshire), lives in Kent.

2. Young Crawford, who is neither Sarah nor Cliffy, asked for the pony (a gift that Santa would have particular difficulty getting down the Crawford family's chimney! So the Jolly Ol' Soul chopped off the nag's legs and shoved the glue stick down. He went down with a snap. Adapt and overcome, that's Chris Cringle's motto).

3. Young Rowlands is neither the child who lives in Yorkshire nor the child who has asked for a bicycle.

4. The gift due for delivery to Cornwall, which is not for the child surnamed Rowlands, is a computer (this kid is a midget porn addict, and lives for little people doing it in a kiddy pool full of baby oil).

5. Liz, who has asked for the painting set, is not from Kent. Her surname is not Jamison (she doesn't know her surname because her mom is a one-legged hooker who spent her nights at the docks sucking down crack pipes - among other things).

6. The child who lives in Essex has asked for a guitar. Alan lives in Cumbria.

Children’s first names: Alan, Cliffy, Jennifer, Liz, Sarah

Children’s last names: Crawford, Feather, Jamison, Northey, Rowlands

Counties: Cornwall, Cumbria, Essex, Kent, Yorkshire

Presents: Bicycle, Computer, Guitar, Painting Set, Pony

Feel free to post your answers in the comments, and enjoy your Easter holiday.