You can't teach crazy

I receive letters to the editor from time to time that sparks so many questions in me I have to slam my head in with the car door a few times to get me into the writer's frame of mind. That is the only way these folks out here in the land of walkers and adult diapers make sense to me.

I'm good for a crazy letter to the editor at least once per week. Some are crazies in training, while others are certifiable cuckoos. The latter are geriatrics who should wander around town with the letter 'C' branded to their forehead so us "normal" joes (and I use that term as loose as a Phillipino hooker's hoo-hoo) can quickly cross the street and shimmy up the nearest palm tree to safety, so the nutbag doesn't stab us normals in the heart with a sharpened cap from their denture cream tube.

Today, I came across my weekly crazy winner, but I was fooled at first by the letter:

As time goes on, more and more people are looking at the war in the middle east as useless and a waste of time. The only people who are for this war are hardcore republicans who believe George Bush Junior can do no wrong, of course, because he’s a republican. To my husband and I, it doesn’t matter if the president is a republican, democrat, liberal or what. If the president benefits the United States by making positive changes, he/she deserves honor, but if he/she creates negative changes, they deserve impeachment.

Fine, I get it, they don't like the president or his war of terror. I can accept that. I can print that. Readers can understand this person's point. It doesn't matter if they agree or disagree with this loony, as long as their argument makes a logical point and they don't cuss like a drunken sailor I'll give it run in the prison work camp publication.

But sometimes I have to draw the line. Here is the next paragraph:

A lot of people believe George Junior is a Satanist, using a veil of Christianity to misdirect and mislead the general public. Many things reflect that. For instance, the secret Satanic Society he is a member of, The Skull and Bones, (skullandbones.org) and on a few occasions he has flashed the Cornu to the public. (Latin: Cornu- two horns), (index and pinkie fingers up) The Cornu was popularized by the late Dr. Anton Szandor Lavey, founder of the Church of Satan in the mid-sixties. Also, George’s anger for Saddam Hussein which led to an attack on an innocent country.

Welcome to the land of crazy folks. Please, keep your hands and legs inside the vehicle at all times. Do not wander from the vehicle. If you do leave the vehicle please know that the whackos in crazytown will swarm you as if they were bees and you were a drenched honeystick. Once on you, they will crack open your skull and spoon feed your brains to their crazy children.

I've always pictured Oil Man flashing the "Cornu" after a tough meeting with a country who liked us about as much as a carnivore likes vegetables with their steak dinner.

"Stuff that agreement up your French cake hole, ya Frog," I imagine Oil Man saying to the French President and then wags his tongue while flashing the devil horns on both hands. That's my image of Oil Man. Sure. It makes sense since I always felt the vice president is some sort of demon (the beady eyes are a dead giveaway).

I still thought I could run this letter, sans the satanic referrences because the writer talked about terrorism and the president's role. But then came this little nugget that ultimately sent the submission into letter to editor oblivion:

And Osama Bin Laden will never be captured, because his family is very close friends with the George Bush family. By arresting Osama Bin Laden, America would lose the several billions of dollars invested by the Bin Laden family. So we have a Catch 22 here.

So, the Bushes and bin Ladens hang out together? They probably meet up at Crawfor every year, Osama helps Oil Man cut some brush and Oil Man helps Osama find new caves to live in. Hell, he's probably holing up in some heavily forested area of the ranch thanks to his best bud, George. They probably play Uno or Monopoly or Stratego at night after watching the Rangers game and throwing a back a few cold ones.

I'm pretty lenient as far as what I allow on my opinion page because it's job security. Publish a controversial topic and I'm plopping down responses for the next three weeks. But sometimes that line in the sand has to be made, and I'll be damned if I'm going to allow some Geritol-overdosing blue hair to claim the commander in chief of the United States worships Barry Bonds.

Somethings, like that letter, just aren't kosher.