A regular Pothead

After a marathon stretch Sunday that leaked into Monday night, I finally finished "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix."

That's right, I'm nothing if not ahead of the literary trends.

Now, when I say marathon reading, let me put that into perspective. I read roughly from 11:30 a.m. until 11 that night, with stops for the necesities: beer, food and sex. Not even that little wizard brat could stop me from pounding a cold one or six (hey, it was a long day of reading), and givin' Wife a wave of my wand. When I kicked off the session, I was some 270 pages shy of finishing. When my eyes felt like they were tattoed from Rowlings' prattling prose that night, I was still 70 pages from completing this paper weight.

I'm not exactly a fast reader. A typical 500-page book can take me anywhere from three weeks (if I'm really cooking, or shackled to the wall in the closet by Wife because it's Saturday night and that's what she does so she can go out and play Bingo with SuperCuz) to three months. When I settle down and start reading, I damn near read out loud and sound out the big words, that's what level I'm at. Harry Potter books, however, I can usually polish off in just under a month. The reasons: a) It's written for a four year old, so yeah, I can understand everything because the words are usually less than seven letters long; and b) It's always a good, fast-paced story. That Rowlings chick knows how to spin a good yarn. I'm hooked a few pages in, and find myself chucking other family duties just to plow through another chapter (what, dear? The dogs need food? Can't they eat their own poo for dinner, tonight? Harry's about to climb aboard Hermione and give her a little abba cadabra).

I've read five of the six books (seven comes out in July) and found, however, that every book is the same. The author might change the title, but I'll be damned if it ain't the same plot every time out.

So, because I'm here for you folks, I'm going to give you a public service. If you don't want to read the books, but want to know what happens in each of them, I'm going to tell you right now. (I'd give out a spoilers warning, but you and I both know you're going to read on, so why prolong the charade):

Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone:
Harry's at his aunt and uncle's house. They don't like him. He yells back at them. Wizard shit and mysteries abound. Then school starts. He leaves. He takes a bunch of magic classes and gets piles of homework. One professor despises him, and Harry shares the feeling. The big mystery is getting bigger he and his friends must solve or the whole world will explode. He almost dies. The school's headmaster spells out the mystery to Harry because he's denser than a 10-pound rubber dildo.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets:
Harry's at his aunt and uncle's house. They don't like him. He yells back at them. Wizard shit and mysteries abound. Then school starts. He leaves. He takes a bunch of magic classes and gets piles of homework. One professor despises him, and Harry shares the feeling. The big mystery is getting bigger he and his friends must solve or the whole world will explode. He almost dies. The school's headmaster spells out the mystery to Harry because he's denser than a 10-pound rubber dildo.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban:
Harry's at his aunt and uncle's house. They don't like him. He yells back at them. Wizard shit and mysteries abound. Then school starts. He leaves. He takes a bunch of magic classes and gets piles of homework. One professor despises him, and Harry shares the feeling. The big mystery is getting bigger he and his friends must solve or the whole world will explode. He almost dies. The school's headmaster spells out the mystery to Harry because he's denser than a 10-pound rubber dildo.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire:
Harry's at his aunt and uncle's house. They don't like him. He yells back at them. Wizard shit and mysteries abound. Then school starts. He leaves. He takes a bunch of magic classes and gets piles of homework. One professor despises him, and Harry shares the feeling. The big mystery is getting bigger he and his friends must solve or the whole world will explode. He almost dies. The school's headmaster spells out the mystery to Harry because he's denser than a 10-pound rubber dildo.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix:
Harry's at his aunt and uncle's house. They don't like him. He yells back at them. Wizard shit and mysteries abound. Then school starts. He leaves. He takes a bunch of magic classes and gets piles of homework. One professor despises him, and Harry shares the feeling. The big mystery is getting bigger he and his friends must solve or the whole world will explode. He almost dies. The school's headmaster spells out the mystery to Harry because he's denser than a 10-pound rubber dildo.

I haven't read the next book - I only read Harry Potter when the movie is about to come out - so you'll have to wait until next year for the review of that book. Hope y'all can wait. I know I can't.