It really has become an art form.
It never fails, either, when there's a game on that I have to see, let's say, for example, the season opener for the Chargers against the Bears, TVs are harder come by than beer at a Mormon baptism party. I always seem to be elsewhere - family gathering, California road trip, Muppet porn festival - and am forced to a) DVR the game, and b) stay away from all new outlets that may divulge the game score before I watch it.
Like any skill, it's taken years of practice. I've learned to speak up, avoid talking sports with folks and rarely wear team gear when I plan to watch the taped game to avoid some stranger exclaiming "nice job, today," all for fear of some nitwit giving up the score. My evening is planned if a taped game is on tap, give me a game update and that plan is shit-canned faster than you can say, "How 'bout them Chargers?!" I know I could still watch the game to see how it unfolded, but the element of surprise is gone, much like humping a crack whore hooker, you know you'll get an STD but which one is the question. It's always so much more fun when you don't know.
Baseball games are fairly easy because there's so many of them folks get tired of talking about. NASCAR - I reckon y'all knew I taped the redneck-fests, and I ain't ashamed to admit it - is even easier because most of us are afraid of the incessant heckling we might receive from the portion of society that still has all its teeth. Football, on the other hand, is a little more difficult. For one, there are only 16 games (24 if you count the preseason and every round of the playoffs). Pansies! Why they can't up that schedule to 60 or 70, at least on par with hockey and basketball, screams of wimpiness. We play football in the park during the season and by two or three days after the game I'm ready to go again. These dudes need a whole week off? Slap a dress on 'em and tell 'em to knit a sweater if they can't handle a few aches and pains.
But I digress. Football is everywhere. TV, radio, skywriting, malls, beauty salons, churches; there's no avoiding ascore. Plus, there's one other hurdle in my quest to avoid a score before I watch the game - fellow Charger friends. We like to dissect the Bolts effort from week to week, examining every facet of the game from the defensive backs broken coverage to LT's array of moves to the color of jock straps the offensive line is wearing. We leave no stone unturned. But because I'm as brain dead as Elvis most Sunday's, I forget to let them know I won't be watching certain games live. That results in random text messages - Wife saved me yesterday, thanks dear - with final scores, or voice mails that scream louder than a howler letter in Harry Potter, or even e-mails, too. Therefore, I have to go into information lock down. Wife answers the phone, or plays the message and I run from the house chattering "na na na na," with my fingers jammed through my ear holes deep enough to molest the drums.
One of my favorite baseball movies is "Fever Pitch." There's a scene where Drew Barrymore and her boyfriend, Jimmy Fallon, are having dinner with her parents. It's the first time they've met him and decided a lobster joint is good place to eat. A table nearby starts talking about the Red Sox game and he starts babbling like he's Reagan MacNeil, then his girlfriend leans over and shoves her fingers in his ears. She does so because his hands are caked in lobster feces, or whatever the hell it excretes (makes you want to go out and toss down a juicy lobster right now, doesn't it?). Then she explains to her parental units that he's taping the game and doesn't want to know the outcome. They look at him like he just killed their dog, cut off it's head and opened it's mouth so it can felate him at the dinner table. That dude is me ... well, without the dog stuff.
So, maybe a tip to y'all when you're looking to talk about a sporting event involving one my teams that has been completed, you might want to throw out a feeler question, like "Did you see the Dodger game today?" That works a lot better than, "Dude, the Dodgers really screwed the pooch today, didn't they?"
Then again, that might save my remote control from being the object to receive my wrath when I watch the Blue Crew blow another 2-run lead.
5 comments:
Hmmm, or maybe you should just not make any plans for the 16 times a year the Chargers play in the regular season, like a REAL fan. I actually planned my honeymoon around not missing a game, so show some dedication, for Christ's sake!
And assuming you've all ready watched the game by now, that was BULLSHIT how they didn't call encroachment or offsides on the Bears during that goal line play. They should have won it 21-3.
Wow! Calling me out as an undedicated fan. Let me remind you, missy, I was a fan before you could belch out Go Bolts! Those guys on the ring of honor at Qualcomm - yeah, I watched some of 'em play. I remember Lionel "Little Train" James scoring on a 70-yard run in overtime to beat the Raiders. I watched the playoff loss to the Bengals, sending them to Superbowl XVI. I survived the Dan Henning coaching era!
Hmmm ... now reading that, i'm not sure if that shows dedication or that I'm just old.
And as for the non-call, hey, they won, don't upset the football gods by complaining the about the call. But, yeah, that was steaming load of horse crap. Maybe the Patriots have it on video so the officials can review it.
True, I should never question any of our groups dedication and loyalty since we can all weep in our beers together over the horror that was '00-'01. And if you made it through that season, nobody can question your loyalty, NOBODY!
I was just trying to make the point that some of us go out of our way to leave our Sundays plan-free during the "Golden Time" that is football season. Can you tell I'm a little amped this year?
Screwed the pooch, that's hysterical Mike. I haven't heard anybody use that terminology in years. Very solid. Can you promise you'll use it again so I can hear it too when we're tailgating at the end of the month? That would complete the trip.
And seriously plans during football season? What gives?
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