1-way ticket to paradise

Buying tickets to San Diego Charger games was as easy as buying dope from the stringy-haired 35-year-old who used to hang behind the math trailers at high school.

In 1998, 10 of us from the San Clemente prison work camp found we all belonged to the same masochistic cult - think Eyes Wide Shut without the leather, the crazy orgyistic sex, or Tom Cruise, and that was us. Because when you cheer for a team that went 4-12 the previous year and is expected to match that figure for the upcoming season, and you still WANT to buy tickets to watch these chumps, well, then masochism is your cup of tea. Back then, the San Diego Chargers and masochism went together like strawberries and whipped cream (or peanut butter and jelly if you're into that sort of thing). That didn't deter us inmates, though, from plopping down $50 - that's right FIFTY big ones - for field level seats at Qualcomm for a battle between the San Diego Chargers and the Kansas City Chefs.

Flash forward nine years. Those 10 founding members have been whittled down by half but we've filled their ranks with other Charger fans looking for a cult to join. That is not the only thing that has changed in nine years of attending the blue and golds, the price climbed $20, and that's for seats that come with tie-down straps because the jet stream blows through our section. In fact, with my Italian nose, if I happen to look up I'm liable to get the shnozz clipped by an outbound Southwest Airlines jet headed to Phoenix (at least I'll get a ride home). And ask the rest of the group, I have a hard enough time staying in my seat (I've been known to miss on wild high-5s that have sent me cascading down three rows).

That first year, we sat 10 rows off the field. Last season, we sat 10 rows off the stairwell on the fourth deck, and for the money we spent on those seats we could have bought a small island country and drank Red Stripes while singing "Don't Worry, Be Happy," dressed in nothing but grass skirts and palm fronds.

When we bought tickets in 1998 it was late August.

We began talking about tickets this season in early June. I bought the tickets last week.

Over the years we've moved the ticket-buying deadline up week by week. Late August, mid August, early August, late July ... well, hell, you get the idea. At this pace, in another 10 years we'll be scoping out game dates and seats before the Super Bowl and checking out Stubhub.com for hose primo seats that come with oxygen masks and ice boots because that's likely where our seats will be next.

And like I said, it used to be easy. I'd jump on the phone, ask the Charger floozy what she was wearing (sometimes I get those 1-800 numbers mixed up) and then tell her I needed "10 seats, field level." I'd hear keys tapping, and then she'd come back and say, "I got seats 149 seats available in field level section 33. Or, for $5 more I can get you on the field calling the defensive plays."

That worked for two years, but then the Chargers screwed us by going 8-8 in 1999. If they win, the bandwagon stops for every San Diegan and they all climb aboard for the nest season. But the organization answered our prayers the next season when the Chargers went 1-15. After that season, we could land seats on the 50-yard line and have our own personal bartender mixing drinks for the row.

The next two years we landed field level tickets again, after slumming in the plaza level. But that would be the last time. After that point something funny started happening in Mission Valley - the Chargers started winning, and again, every rock that hid a Charger fan was upturned and they all flooded the stadium for tickets. Wife and I began trekking down to San Diego for the day tickets went on sale and prayed we'd land a stretch for the cult.

Finally, we learned about technology (remember, I'm one of two people I know who sends smoke signals rather than use a cell phone) and found Web sites that sold tickets before they officially went on sale. Stubhub.com is currently my personal savior and I have an altar at home to prove it.

I laugh at the bandwagon fans, too. I was a Charger fan back when Dan Fouts was throwing passes to Charlie Joiner. I was eight-years old and idolized a fourth grader because I thought he was cool. And of course, is football team was the Chargers. When I finally saw the slick lightning bolt on blue helmets I knew I made the right decision. I just wish that punk fourth grader had warned me that it would be 12 years before I saw the Bolts in a Super Bowl, and that they would not have more than just four (4 - F-O-U-R) winning seasons between 1982 and 1994. I guess some things you just have to learn for yourself.

When we began contemplating a football game, complete with tailgating and some alcoholic beverage intake (but more about the tailgate experience in September when the game is coming), it took roughly a half minute for everyone to say yes. Hell, I'd debate longer over what kind of cheese to slap down on a grilled-cheese sandwich. But these folks wanted to go. They wanted to see the Chargers kick ass and take names. They wanted to see them cook the Chefs like they were a Sunday pot roast. And all the while I sat back knowing the chances of the Bolts pulling out a W in the house of pain - their own home - was about as good as me slapping thighs with Salma Hayek. But I didn't want to ruin their childlike innocence.

This year, I share the rest of the cult's innocence. The Bolts are coming off a 14-2 season, and if they fail to go 11-5 this year you'll find me dangling like a caught tuna from the only shower rod in the house that can hold my beer-sogged ass.

But all is well right now because myself and 9 of my closest Charger friends have tickets. And it just so happens that the game we chose this year just happens to fall on the biggest day of the year: Sept. 30. And it's against the same foes we watched in during our cherry-popping season - the K.C. Chefs.

The Charger organization is run by some splendid folks. They also set up a game just for me on my birthday. How 'bout that?

Go Bolts!

(How was that Lil' Lisa? Not one mention of the Dodgers. They just won 8-1 in case you were wondering.)