For 20-something years now - I'd be exact but I don't want to year, "God damn you're old, dude. How are those Depends fitting you these days?" - I've anticipated the Major League Baseball game like an 8-year-old waits for Easter. It's not exactly Christmas or Halloween, or even Thanksgiving, but you get free shit including chocolate bunnies that you can turn into earless mutants with one bite.
And once the game is done, and All Star Tuesday has turned into no baseball Wednesday (lazy bums take the day off after it's self-blow job day - slack asses) I feel like, "that's it?" Just like Easter, once you're done plowing through the basket, there's nothing left. All that foreplay for four hours of watching overmuscled, oversexed, overspoiled ball jockeys? Why subject my chili-dog heavy ass to it?
The stories are told and retold before, during and after each all star game like us baseball fans are cream-of-corn slurping Alzheimer's. But just like a good cream of corn soup, the tales just don't get old.
Carl Hubbel striking out Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Jimmie Foxx, Al Simmons and Joe Cronin in succession. Every one of them hall of famers.
Ted Williams clubbing a 3-run dinger off Claude Passeau in the bottom of the ninth at Tiger Stadium to give the American League a 7-5 win. He hopped around the bases like he just won the World Series, allowing fans a glimpse into what the All Star game meant to the players. Back then they wanted to win to prove which league was tops. It was for pride and not just an exhibition game.
Future hall of famers Hank Aaron, Willie Mays and Roberto Clemente joining forces in the National League outfield in '66 and batting one, two, three in the lineup. The N.L. won 2-1.
Pete Rose scoring the winning run in the 12th inning, bowling over catcher Ray Fosse in the process in 1970.
Reggie Jackson hitting a moon shot off the roof in right field at Tiger Stadium in '71.
Fred Lynn smacking the first All Star game grand slam in '83, off Giants pitcher Atlee Hammaker (go figure, a Giants pitcher serving up a meat pitch with millions watching around the world).
Dodger pitcher Fernando Valenzuela striking out future hall of famers Dave Winfield, Reggie Jackson and George Brett in '84. (You knew I'd squeeze a Dodger highlight in there somewhere).
Bo Jackson hitting a ball that would have landed in Fullerton from Anaheim stadium had there not been stadium seats to block it in '89.
And Ichiro Suzuki hitting a cue ball with english off the wall in right field at Phone Company park in San Francisco that caught Ken Griffey Jr. slip-sliding away toward center field, leading to the first inside the park home run in all star game history.
That's why I watch this self-indulgent dog-and-pony show. When something like Tony Gwynn sliding into home to score the winning run, I can say to my kid that I saw that happen. Hopefully, the freeloader will indulge the old man and say "neato," or "can I get you some more cream of corn?"
Maybe I'm biased - I know I'm biased - but there isn't a better all star game out there. The pro bowl features a bunch of guys who have either been off for a month or whooped it up the week before in some sunny below the Manson-Nixon line state before playing for that league's championship. They play like it's a pillow fight, and the intensity level is pegged at mellow. The NBA is all offense and no defense. In fact, I think each team sits at opposite ends of the court, score, and then hand the ball back to the other team. Hockey changes it's all star game from year to year, so who the hell knows how they're playing now. For all I know, instead of a puck and stick, the players skate with oven mitts on their hands and slide a midget along the ice, bowling them into the net for a point. An extra point awarded if the midget writes his name in yellow along the ice (use your imagination to figure out how).
And while the MLB all star game can be tedious and drawn out, there's still some magic to it. The tales of yore do that.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that baseball, for all of its flaws and controversy, still holds a special two-room tent in America's heart. Football might draw in every tree-hugging Oregonian to every gator-wrestling Floridian, but baseball has that magic that's indescribable. And the all star game is another piece of that act, like the disappearing canary.
That said, training camp starts in two weeks. Are you ready for some football?
Now, I have a can of cream of corn calling my name.
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3 comments:
Dude you're like one of those tiny little dogs, humping the leg of Major League baseball. It just can't shake you off.
Come on the ending to the All-Star game is about as predictable as a meeting of the minds among the DNS brain trust: you know it's going to end in a cluster fu$%k of bad ideas.
JJ, DM and ML make it to the fork in the road where the sign indicates success is the road to the left and the downhill slope back to the stone age is to the right.
They sit there and after pondering the options for a while come up with, "You know that road to the left looks too obvious. And one of them says hey there's no toll on the road to the right. To the right it is. It will save us $.
What is it 10 straight for the AL not counting the ugliest tie this side of Bill Bidwill's boe variety? Nothing like players from irrelevant teams deciding where Game 1 and 2 of the World Series is played. Or your Dodger, Mr. Park, grooving one to Ripken, who was so old and past his prime it was criminal they still let him play in the game with his .230 average or whatever. Talk about staged.
True, it's still the best of the All-Star games but that's like saying Rose was the best looking Golden Girl. It might be true, but you're still not going to go warm up to the old spinster.
Oh crap it was Blanche, who was the sex fiend. Damn, screwed that up. Oh well you get the point anyway.
Damn, if they really played the hockey all star game the way you described it, not only would I watch, I would try to get tickets to see that shit in person. Football rocks harder and is more exciting than baseball ever will be, but I agree the Pro Bowl is lamer than the MLB All Star Game. I'm going to Chargers Fan Day in a few weeks, jealous?
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