Birth plan

I took a peak at the Dodgers’ opening month for their 2008 World Title season.

And then I had a discussion with the uterus-stationed Freeloader, because the two of us had to hammer out some arrival details.

This is how my luck would run. You see, the Dodgers open the season at home against San Francisco March 31 on ESPN. That same day I fully expect the munchkin to be knock-knock-knocking at mommy’s door. So, there I’ll be, in the birthing room with Wife screaming at me and me screaming at Torre to yank Scott Proctor because the ass schmuck just walked the bases loaded. The game will be tied in the ninth inning, and that’s when the baby catcher (aka the Doc) will come in, shut off the TV as Russell Martin steps to the plate in the bottom of the ninth and announce it was time to drag this kid out of the oven.

So, I wanted to make sure the kid and I had an agreement.

Me: “Now, you know the Dodgers open on March 31 at home against the Gnats (that’s Dodger fan shorthand for the San Francisco Giants).”

Wife: “It’s listening. The kid just rolled toward your voice.”

Me: “Well, March 31 is out for undocking from the mother ship.”

Wife: “It’s kicking at the door.”

I’d explain what door that is, but after the videos I watched in our first birthing class Saturday I don’t think reader(s) need the visuals. Just picture the blast doors from Star Wars and you’ll have a damn good idea.

Me: “Now, the Dodgers’ first off day is April 3, a Thursday. That would be a fine day to come out. The next series kicks off their first road trip of the season, starting in San Diego. Not a bad start to your Dodger Fan Career.”

Wife: “Nothing on that one.”

Me: “OK, well you can’t come out on April 7. The Dodgers are coming to Arizona – yeah, that’s where you live, too – for the Diamondbacks’ season home opener and Mommy really wants to see the Big Blue Wrecking Crew live. Plus, I promised her an aisle seat field level. Now, you don’t want to disappoint Mommy, do you? She’ll get all weepy and cry and probably pollute your milk supply by drinking a shot of jager and chasing it with a gallon of irrigation. She’s vindictive that way. Believe you me.

Wife (glaring for some unknown reason – must be the “pregnancy thing”): “Yeah, you just gave it the hiccups.”

Me: “After that three game series – that’s just a bad time to come all around as mommy wants catch all three games live – they are off April 10. I think that’s really your best day to arrive, kid. This way we can open then next home stand watching the Dodgers play the Padres. The benefit is that you can hear Vin Scully call a game. It really is something magical when you hear him call the action. Your mind is a sponge at your age, so you’ll learn bucket fulls earlier than your old man did.”

Wife: “It just punched to the right.”

Me: “Get the freeloader to use its left hand more. We need that lefty pitcher, so it can care for us in our diaper-wearing years. OK, pal, if those days don’t work the next week is really wide open. The best day is April 17, which is another off day. However, if you want to check out from Hotel Uterus before that day, it’s cool, they’re just playing Pittsburgh.”

So, for those of you thinking about joining the baby pool (or considering a second pick - it's just another $2, folks) – at http://www.wheredidweparkthecamel.com/ - that’s a little inside information to help you out.